Sex is back on the catwalk! Not sure it was ever truly gone, but it’s definitely here now. Silky, lacy, boudoir-inspired outfits. Tight, short tops, low cut pants, see-through everything. Underwear as outerwear! Messy make-up and tangled hair. One of Miu Miu’s shirts for SS 2026 is literally a bib tied at the sides, and Saint Laurent is pushing a lace-trimmed romper for SS 2026. Even Dries van Noten wants us to wear micro shorts this season, preferably polka dot or ruffled. With the recent method dressing at movie premiers it’s hard to say what came first, the fashion or the movie, but it’s all over the screens! Naked flesh, yearning looks, explosive desire… We’ve been flooded by Daddies, corsets, hockey smut, Jacob Elordi, and they’re even resuscitating Pride & Prejudice! We’re asking for more sex and less fabric, please. More dirty content we can enjoy in the privacy of our own homes, alone. Because the irony is that no one’s having sex anymore! With or without see-through tops and lace shorties as outside pants. Free the nipple! And the butt cheeks! Sure. Let me just get the lighting right for the photo before popping back into my lounge wear to edit the shit out of it.
The YSL romper will set you back about EUR 3000 and the Miu Miu micro bib shirt is EUR 780 - so who is the intended customer for these slips of fabric? Miu Miu is supposed to be girlish, playful, and radical, and the target demographic is a 20-29 yo girl. Meanwhile, the Saint Laurent customer is supposedly urban, stylish, and aged 20-40. A 20-something with long, slim limbs and a large, disposable income to spend on non-office attire? Outside of influencers posting sponsored content and celeb brand ambassadors, this customer barely exists. Miuccia Prada herself says that Miu Miu represents the woman she would like to be, and since she’s in her 70s, I’m guessing she means in spirit. And truthfully, the over 50s are probably the only demographic who can comfortably afford these clothes. But take me as an example: I’m almost 50, and no amount of squats and deadlifts will make my legs ready for micro shorts.
Incidentally, we (peri-)menopausal women might be the only ones who still actually want to have sex, and not the prettified, tidy version either. Something about not giving a fuck anymore seems to make us want to. Catch up on all those lost years of worrying about their egos and our bodies. But we know better than trying to use micro pants to get some, and apparently, we don’t have to! It appears younger men are on to us. We all learned how to fan-girl hard in the 90s and now it could finally serve us! The allure of not wanting to settle down and have kids, actually enjoying the sex, and we stopped caring if we look good in that angle? Let’s just say it’s in the bag. Or rather, in the sack.
Bella Freud asks all the guests on her show Fashion Neurosis if a bad outfit will make them lose the attraction for someone. It’s a fun question, and probably meant to be provocative, but it’s beside the point. Anyone knows that if you’re in it for the sex, the clothes don’t matter (they’ll be off soon anyway) and if you’re in it for the long haul, the wardrobe is a work-in-progress (meaning she’ll work on it and he’ll make progress). Sex appeal is all about the attitude and if you’re turned off by flip-flops or corduroy, you were never that into it in the first place. Ask any woman to explain what in the world she saw in that tattooed dude with no steady income, but an avid interest in microbrewing and surfing, and she couldn’t tell you. It probably had nothing to do with his outfit (or his bank statement).
Where was I…? Right, non-pants. So will micro shorts make us feel sexy? We know straight men will probably like them (lots of bare skin), but the reality is that women never dressed for the (heterosexual) male gaze. We dress for ourselves, for other women (our friends, but mostly to one-up our enemies), and for gay men, who know to appreciate it. Straight men are generally overwhelmed by Outfits. They understand dressed vs naked and prefer a feminine silhouette over boyfriend fits (and they HATE it when you borrow their shirts). They don’t understand Alexander McQueen SS 1997 or why Gucci by Tom Ford is better than Alessandro Michele. So, will the gays and our girlfriends appreciate underpants as outerpants? I mean, I guess I like it from an aesthetic point of view: it’s shiny, lacy, and frilly, sort of like an explicit fan-fic version of Pride and Prejudice. But would I wear it?
In the 90s, there was an Australian soap opera that really tried hard to sell us that women were lounging about at home in tight boxer shorts and push-up bras. Yes! Women everywhere trying to get comfy reach for the metal wire push-up. It’s a no-brainer. And now they’re telling us that well-to-do middle aged women, when contemplating what to wear this summer while strolling trough Paris or Milan, are sure to reach for their ruffled micro bloomers. Pair them with a bib shirt! This is sure to make us feel elegant and sexy while out and about. On the other hand, why the fuck not? Our legs (and torsos) deserve some sun and love too, even the wrinkly, sagging ones. You know what? I think I just might. But not because I think it’ll get me some. I’ll be doing it for me and the vitamin D.